I don’t know how it happened so quickly.
It is all still a blur. That day I cried the hardest cry ever in my life, I felt a cleanse to my spirit. Like a crown chakra opening up.
I’ve been feeling much more older mentally & spiritually. I am only at 22 years of age, but I felt a spiritual significance in me becoming that age in the year of 2020.
2020….22….hmmm.
Maybe it was due to me smoking consistently to maintain my mental health. Is this what was meant to happen when I weed smoked all by myself?
I….felt ashamed to even admit that it is what I’ve been doing. As if I was doing something wrong by smoking. Since the world makes it seem like being a weed smoker is a horrible thing. Or have the nerve to label it as a drug when it was never that.
It….helped me. It helped me foreshadow my life. I saw dangerous revelations on what I could really be. I saw my own fate in the way I could have went about situations in life.
I found myself meditating & self reflecting like never before.
I walked with my created mantra: “Faith”, “Will”, “Courage” for the past 3 years. I felt I bestowed that inside of rings. A fool’s way of thinking because those are words that require you to enter a spiritual test. Not to assume that the rings alone are what grant that by wearing them. If they are not present on you, do you still carry it? Will you still remember if you are far away from them? Even if they are lost or stolen?
To another person, they’ll just look at them as rings to flex on their fingers. To me, they served a purpose to remind me what I stand for.
I can now explain the true tests I faced to have those words embedded in my soul.
“Faith” – This all started in 2018. When I lost the love of my life due to my inability to change from my wicked ways, I fell. Mentally was trapped, imprisoned into thinking I would never be redeemed or ever see myself as good person for the pain I ever caused to girls in my high school years before the big fall. I was a mental abuser, who needed to understand that everyone that was ever with me always had faith in being together forever. I would damage it with my wicked words & actions, creating the toxic energy that would eventually damage me in the end to assume I did no wrong to deserve it. There was something I truly wanted to be, & that was a Twitch streamer. But to achieve that dream, I had to have faith that I would grow to receive the necessary audience to be able to evolve it into a career. I walked with “blind faith” on it as it was said. Not only that, did I further speak my mind on my blog to learn self healing & ease the inner pain from my past. 1 year later (2019), I passed the test & became globally known as “Stephjmillz” just by being dedicated to the dream by being featured on YouTube without asking. Prior to that, I lost my job. It was time for something big to come.
“Will” – I wanted to learn how to truly be successful in life. I wanted to find out how to show the world my potential. I wanted to explain to my family what it is that I would be doing. But not everyone would even understand me since the one thing always had a problem with was breaking my own silence. In order for people to push for a passion & career, they have to speak it into existence. But how could someone that refuses to speak up in person push it further all on his own? He has the gift to do it, but nobody seems to know the gift he never shares. So he will have to discover on his own the significance of his gift by going to someone in his time of need after always feeling he could never ask for help from anyone in his own independence phase. My aunt & uncle, who were the first I was able to explain the faith I had in what I wanted to be. Yet, even with their support, I would have to discover the secret side to my passion/career. And that would require me doing the one thing I questioned myself doing after high school. I would have to go to college to learn. I would have to have the will to endure the mental tests to prove myself capable of handling & sustaining knowledge to help me in the years to come. I was still a lonely lost child inside, so this would be a true test to my abilities. This was the hardest part because while in college, I had a choice. I could either stay naïve & only search for knowledge from a set source believing their way was the best way, or I could follow the people from their personal experiences to know how to fight for what I believed in. When I chose to go with what I believed, I would have to endure ALL the toxic energy that comes with fighting for it. I protested for my people & I took what I learned & went about my own way not needing to stay in a place that I no longer needed to be at. It all happened in the year of 2020, where after the 1st 6 months of me being in a corporate program, I chose to return to my family where I discovered all the dysfunction that nobody would seem to fix ever. Dysfunction that was so strong to where I would not think a single man could reverse it all. A man who they still looked at as a child because he never broke the silence of how he suffered as a child to still feel as one himself. The last 6 months of that year were the most mentally stressful times of my life. I was a liar, who had to find a way of saving everyone around me without trying to save myself from falling even further. I had to endure all the toxic energy that would have even made a regular person go berserk & possible burn bridges with their family so quickly & even become suicidal. But I endured everything I needed to endure to save the family. I didn’t release my inner anger or my hatred of things that happened in the past to anyone. I revealed it on my blog all the things I was ever pissed at to save myself from doing it in front of the people I know love me endlessly & always wanted they believed was best for me. After the destructive year of 2020, I passed the test. I felt this unusual message to me that said “You win”.
“Courage” – The final piece. The one that was the easiest of the 3. But it would all start from me. It would be courage to reveal the true form from within. To finally break the long silence to truly evolve myself from boy to man. Everyone had been anticipating the day I spoke up to reveal the truth about me. The most hardest thing I personally could ever do was speak my pain out loud. My courage to speak on what was wrong with me was shot too early in my life with the pressure of believing nothing was ever wrong with me. But we all have problems in life, we all suffer, we all go through things, & we must all have to find a way to get through them to continue. That is what life is all about. Trial & error. Nobody is perfect, so don’t ever expect yourself to be. There was a trigger to my confidence being shot, & it was being cursed at. Being cursed at was something I was scared of as a child. And then being cursed at was something that I hated to hear growing up. I saw cursing as anger, & I could not handle it. The only times I was cursed at was for doing something wrong. But when I was cursed at for doing nothing wrong, it sparked something in me that unlocked my form. I realized I never did anything wrong in my life. I never caused trouble to anyone. I never became a menace to society prior to the inner suffering I was facing all this time. I stayed inside & to myself. And I was always battling confusion of choosing between good & evil. I was mocked for being a believer. Yet, I cursed at the evil. I cursed at the Devil. I blocked out the real threat. I realized who was manipulating me all this time. I have done nothing wrong since for the past 3 years. Everything has always been choices. I would make bad choices, but it never would make me a bad person. I understood I was punished for my wrong choices, but I never became a bad person from them nor the punishments. I learned, I improved, I healed, & I understood me cursing back is how I obtained the courage to fight back. Courage would not ever take a certain amount of time to come. It would start from the moment I speak & reveal everything I’ve come to discover about life in my years of living & experiences. In just 3 years since high school, how could I ever expected myself to go through so much just to finally now understand the answer to the questions I had been stuck on all this time.
“Can I become successful without a college degree?”
“Am I destined to succeed?”
It was all answered overtime….
His name is Butters….
I create my own artwork as a testimony to how gaming has been my true passion since I’ve been a child & how it saved my life during the hellish year of 2020.
All this time I went about my life as if I needed to have a degree to be successful. When in actuality, I have been making my own version of success through grit & determination for what I believe in. I am self-employed, something most people in the world do not have the luxury to be. That was his answer to me. You self employ to be successful without it.
I didn’t just start all of this. I have been doing this for three years already. I am only now just saying something about it to finally grant confidence to my spirit. I feel my spiritual tests have all been completed. I never thought I would ever say this in my life, but I have never felt the most satisfied ever with everything I have done. I open everything & leave it on the table for any love & support for what I do.
I guess this was how the phoenix in me would arise. Just by having the ability to finally not allow people to shoot down my confidence with toxic words. All I ever wanted to be was successful, so if I found my way, then leave me to it. I am only young with so many years ahead of me, so I think after all the pain I’ve released from my trauma, I deserve my shot. Not to mention so many doubt my skin to ever be good at something, but all the things I’ve done have been self made.
The blog, the stream, the content, everything. And in the end, I always remember how important family truly is as they’ve always been in my corner. Even when I almost swore they would never be.
That is because I was silent for too long. So that is my own fault for ever thinking that. The Devil had a grip on me for quite some time, but unfortunately like they always say “he is nothing but a liar”.
The biggest lie I would ever tell myself is:
“There is nothing wrong with me.”
God knew everything that was, & I still would lie after giving my life to him.
But I read “Revelations” when it was finally time for me to understand how the Lord works.
It doesn’t matter what his strongest form is, he will ALWAYS fall to the almighty.
I am sorry.
New Beginnings 